Lady Goodness

I’d forgotten this dirty little teenage fantasy exists. It’s something I wrote nearly 10 years ago, first published in Bravado in 2005. It’s dated already; these days the boys in the story would just hover over an iPad instead of a magazine. 


Lady Goodness


As soon as they got inside they threw her onto Gareth’s bed. She lay there, perfectly tanned in a pale blue bikini. “Behold,” said Terry, “Your first girlfriend.”

“Wow,” said Gareth.

They stood there gazing at her for a moment, then Gareth sat down on the bed for a better view. “Wow,” he said again. He ran his hand across the page to iron out a kink. “She’s hot.”

Terry grinned slyly. “I think she likes you. An older woman too. You could get arrested.”

“Nah.” Gareth blushed.

“Look at her, she’s begging for you.”

“No she’s not,” said Gareth. He looked her up and down.

“Ooh, Gareth, take me now!”

“Shut up, Terry.” Gareth sniffed and straightened his glasses. He glanced around the little bedroom. “Perhaps we should close the door.”

“Afraid Mummy’s gonna come home early?” Terry kicked away some clothes and pushed the door shut.

Gareth gently rested the magazine on his lap. The girl was looking directly at him, her blonde hair draped in strands over her face.

“She’s nice,” he said. “I wish she would turn around. Aargh!” He dropped the magazine onto the bed. “Did you see that!”


“She did it again!” They leaned over the magazine. The girl on the page blinked, craned her neck in a slow stretch, and smiled at them. Her body came to life in a slow, luxurious ooze as though it was full of warm honey. She made every move with exquisite care.

“What is this magazine?” asked Gareth, squinting. “Where did you get it?”

“From the supermarket. Nothing special.”

Gareth picked it up and studied the paper closely from every angle. The girl continued to move about on the page. “It must be some new kind of video thing.”

“Whatever it is, it’s pretty damn cool.” Terry touched the paper. “Feels normal enough,” he said, and as he spoke his finger brushed over the girl’s bare skin. She let out an audible sigh.

“Did you hear that?!”

“Do it again.” Another sigh, and this time the girl moved her body under Terry’s finger. “Far out! An interactive magazine!”

“Give me a go,” said Gareth. They interacted.

“Damn, we’re good!”

“She gets lost under my finger,” Gareth complained. “I wish she was bigger.”

“I wish she was in the room,” said Terry. “I’d like to  – holy shit!” The girl was rising through the surface of the paper. The page spilled off her body like thick water until she lay on top of the magazine, a Barbie doll come to life. Not only that, but she was growing, inflating in perfect proportion before their eyes, right there on Gareth’s lap. She stretched her arms over her head and sighed as she grew, the sexiest genie in the world emerging from her lamp. Finally, at full size, she swung her breasts toward Gareth and said simply: “Hi there.”

Gareth appeared to be having trouble breathing.

The girl’s lips spread into a shiny grin. She turned to Terry. “And what’s your name?”  Her voice was warm and smoky.


“Hello Ti-terry.”

Terry coughed. “No, just Terry.”

“Okay,” said the girl. She turned back to Gareth who was blinking furiously. “Gareth,” he said at last. She smiled. “Gareth,” she repeated, then leaned into him with an open mouthed kiss that tipped him backwards onto the bed.

“Whoa, unfair!” said Terry. He reached out to touch her. She didn’t seem to mind. He frowned. “Hey, her skin feels funny.”

Gareth managed to turn away from her lips, knocking his glasses crooked against her cheek. “Yeah, and she tastes gross,” he said.

“Gross? What do you mean?”

“I dunno. Bitter. Inky.”

“Inky?” said Terry. “Here, give me a turn.” He pulled her close and had a good go at it. His mouth worked hard like a fish.

“Oh, Gareth,” she moaned.

“Terry,” said Terry. He pulled away. “You’re right,” he said to Gareth. He wiped off a bit of spittle. “She’s all cold and glossy.”

The girl said, “Oh yes, Gareth. I’m glossy.”

“Terry,” said Terry.

“Who are you?” Gareth asked her.

She sat up and, with a slow movement, peeled a bikini strap off her shoulder. “Cover Girl?” she suggested. “28 Pages of Lady Goodness? Does it matter?” Her finger toyed with the strap. “Shall I take off my top?”

“No!” said Gareth, horrified.

“Hell, yeah!” said Terry. “You jerk,” he added to Gareth.

The bikini fell to the floor. The boys studied her.

Gareth leaned closer. “I don’t get it. Where did they go?”

Terry stood up and circled her slowly. “Weird,” he said. “She’s all blurry.”

“Oh yes! I am blurry,” the girl purred.

“And check out her tummy button!” said Gareth, pointing. It was floating above her stomach. Terry laughed. He folded his arms and glared at the girl. “You’ve been airbrushed,” he said.

“Yes. Airbrushed. And it feels so goooood … Can you make me feel goooood, Gareth?”

“Terry,” said Terry impatiently. “And stop wiggling at me. Here, put this back on. You looked better before.”

He slumped down on the bed next to Gareth. They watched her clip the bra back into place. Every movement appeared to give her extraordinary pleasure.

“She’s still pretty hot,” observed Gareth. He shuffled slightly.

“Hottest thing I’ve ever seen in your bedroom. Sure beats your crappy dinosaurs.”

“What’s wrong with my dinosaurs?”

Terry watched her for a while. “This is crazy. We’ve got the perfect woman in your room and she’s useless.”

“28 Pages of Lady Useless,” said Gareth, sniggering at his own joke.

“Lady Goodness,” said the girl as she rubbed her hands over her body.

“Lady Photoshop, more like it.” Gareth was on a roll.

She leaned over him and looked directly into his eyes. “I want you,” she said. She was so close he had trouble focussing.

“Sure you do. If you were real. But you’re not.”

“I am real.”

“No you’re not. I wish you were real, but you’re not.”

She kissed him, slowly. He gasped.

“Oh, Terry,” she whispered.

“Gareth!” said Gareth, and plunged his lips into hers. His glasses mashed against her face.

Seeing this, Terry reached for the skin on her thigh. “Wow!” he said.

“I know!” cried Gareth.

“Yes!” said Lady Goodness. She pushed Gareth onto his back. “Hey! Unfair!” said Terry. He grabbed her waist. “What are you doing?” yelled Gareth as Terry pulled her away. “Oh, Terry!” she moaned. “Gareth!” said Gareth. “Yeah, baby!” said Terry. He kissed her, she flung herself at him and Gareth was forced off the bed. “That’s not fair, I was first!” he grizzled, straightening his glasses, but Terry was preoccupied. Zips were falling.

“Hey!” Gareth protested. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing!” said Terry between kisses. “You idiot. Oh yeah, Lady Goodness!”

“Oh, Gareth!” she sighed.

“Terry!” said Terry, and dug in, kissing. Her head banged against the wall. She squealed with delight.

“Terry!” said Gareth.


“I was first!”

“Shut up. It’s my magazine.”

“It’s my bedroom!”

“You can have a turn after me.”

Lady Goodness looked up at Gareth from the bed and winked. “You can go next, I promise.”

“That’s right, now go away,” said Terry. He fumbled blindly with the back of her bikini top.

“Yes!” she moaned.

“No,” said Gareth. “It’s not fair.”

Lady Goodness rolled onto her side as though posing for a photo. “Why don’t you join us?” she suggested.

“No!” they said at once. Terry pulled her back. “Look, she wants us both. Give me a turn and then you can have her all to yourself.” He went back to work. Gareth fumed for a bit. “She can’t possibly want both of us,” he complained. “She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She should get to choose.”

“Who cares! She wants us both!”

“I want you both.” said Lady Goodness. Her chest heaved dramatically. “I want you both!”

“No,” said Gareth. “She wanted me first. She should choose. I wish she could choose.” He moved in and tried to touch her.

“Get out of it!” said Terry. “You just want her for yourself!”

“So do you.” They were interrupted by a loud squeal.  “Ewww! Get off! Get off me!”

Terry flinched, confused, as Lady Goodness battered him with her hands. She scrambled to her feet. Gareth reached for her but she screamed and pushed him off. “Ow! That’s my eczema, you grubby little turd!”

“But … you want me!” said Gareth, and tried again. She slapped him away. “What do you think I am?” She looked around wildly, covering her chest as best as she could. “Geeks! You little perverts! Where am I?” Her eyes settled on Terry who lay in a state of awkward unzippedness. “Ewww! Dirty little shits!” She shuddered, and ran out the door.

“Lady Goodness!” Gareth pleaded. “Lady Goodness!” But she was gone.

Gareth screwed up his face. “I don’t get it.”

“You jerk, you spoiled it,” said Terry.

“Me? I was the one she wanted, but you tried to snatch her.”

“Oh, grow up. She wanted us both.” Terry straightened up his jeans. “Anyway,” he grumbled. “What did she expect?” They were silent for a while. Gareth slouched on the bed next to Terry. He began to polish his glasses with the hem of his shirt. “Did she seem a bit shorter when she left?”

Terry shrugged. “Who cares. I was getting bored with her anyway.”

“Yeah,” said Gareth, eventually. The magazine lay limp on the floor where it had fallen during all the excitement, the words 28 Pages Of Lady Goodness still blazing across the bottom of the vacant cover. Terry picked it up. “But look, there are heaps more to choose from. How about a brunette?”

“Sure. If she’s pretty.”

“They’re all pretty, you big dickhead.” Terry flicked randomly back and forth through the pages and finally tossed it open onto Gareth’s lap.

“Behold,” he grinned. “Your second girlfriend.”


First published in Bravado, 2005.